Tuesday, April 19, 2016

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 1

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 25th guys, its sooooo soon!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.



Now, Let's get this party started!

Day 1 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: This query is right on target for length and formatting. Bravo!
Dear Agent:
When sixteen-year-old Peni’s talent for detection almost gets her stoned as a witch, she escapes into the employ of a jinni—a Persian fire spirit. Peni’s task is to find King Solomon’s ring, an ancient artifact that safeguards the world from the jinni’s own vengeful uncle, Akhgar. If Akhgar finds the ring first, he will destroy it and turn the world to into his personal playground of [EM2] ash.
Two obstacles stand in Peni's way. First: Solomon's embarrassingly erotic poetry, which hides riddles leading to the ring's location. Second: the empire itself, full of villains ready to devour a friendless, penniless [EM3] girl.
Faking leprosy—a disease guaranteed to terrify even hardened bandits—Peni tricks a young, crippled veteran into acting as her escort. Danesh's bitterness over his own disability makes him sympathetic to Peni's false disease, and he offers her friendship that stands in stark contrast to the superstitious fear she’s endured all her life.
SULEIMAN’S RING is a 90,000 word YA historical fantasy set in the ancient Persian Empire. Inspired by Islamic, Jewish, and Ethiopian stories about King Solomon, SULEIMAN’S RING is a stand-alone adventure with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Rachel Hartman’s Seraphina and Jessica Khoury's The Forbidden Wish.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
H. Elliott


 [EM1]This is a great logline, but don’t use it in your query. Just start with your main character!
 [EM2]While I love the alliteration here, it is a mouthful and makes the sentence long.
 [EM3]Nice pun there!
 [EM4]This is repeated a close together. Choose a different verb.
 [EM5]This is a poignant stakes sentence that will peak agent/editor interest.


Final thoughts: Uh, when can I read this? Does the manuscript need edited because I'd gladly do it!

Thank you H. Elliot for trusting me with your work!

If you'd like to get your query under the #QueryHelper's critical eye, be sure to check out this post and enter the rafflecopter giveaway for you chance to be chosen! 

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!


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