Are you getting excited about
#FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest,
a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query
critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 25th guys, its sooooo soon!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.
Technical difficulties means this one is running a tad late, but here is....
Day 2 #QueryHelper Critique
First thoughts: Great length of query and simple, straight forward salutation, if a little funny.
Dear Wise Mentors:
As
an unregistered dream spy, [C1] Delania
Mather knows the danger in marrying someone she can’t trust. [C2] Every
night, she drinks tinctures to send her into a deep sleep that will suppress
her abilities. Without the herbs, the dreams of her family, friends and neighbors
would invade her mind. She’d see their fears and desires, and they just might recognize
her presence there, which would be dangerous for someone who hasn’t registered
her psychic ability. [C3] Yet,
medicating herself unconscious every night would make her husband suspicious –
if she agreed to marry anyone.
Unsure how to wiggle free from an impending proposal and protect her
family from the punishment of being unregistered[C4] ,
Delania boards a ship destined for the Fog, an all-encompassing entity that
induces madness when sailors pass through it. She survives the madness desperate to return
home[C5] ,
but the ship is attacked by an enemy fleet from a war-mongering nation. She expects to
be held captive, but the King welcomes[C6]
her into the political intrigue of his court, inviting her to spy on his people’s
dreams for his own gain. [C7] Agreeing could
mean accepting the exploitation she spent her whole life hiding from, but
appeasing the King could also be her ticket home.[C8]
DREAM SPY is an 88,000-word YA fantasy that can best be
described as REIGN with magical abilities to spice up the rivalry and romance. The novel won
the 2013 PennWriters Novel Beginnings Contest and will appeal to fans of Maria
V. Snyder and Melissa Marr.[C9]
As
for me, I hold a PhD in English from Indiana University of Pennsylvania and a
Master of Letters in Creative Writing from the University of St. Andrews. I
teach and conduct scholarly research on composition, literature, and creative
writing, and I’m a member of Backspace, Sisters in Crime, and PennWriters.[C10]
Thank you for taking the time to consider my request.
Sincerely,
Tamara G.
[C1]This
is a great hook! It makes the read wonder what a dream spy is, why she isn’t
registered, and why the society makes dream spies register in the first place.
[C2]Okay
this line makes me immediately think adult fiction, so you might want to add
Dalania’s age in this sentence so it settles firmly in the YA category in the
mentor/agent/editors mind.
[C3]This
sentence feels a little long. Also, you’ve yet to te us why she’s chosen not to
register.
[C4]So her
family can get punished too?
[C5]This
is confusing because she just boarded the ship to get away and know she
survives to come back home? Why the change of heart? It may be easier to just
say that she gets attached by the enemy fleet while aboard.
[C6]You
do a great job of not giving us too many characters in this query, but I sort
of want to know the king’s name.
[C7]Again,
sort of a long sentence with a lot going on.
[C8]I
think the stakes are great, but this sentence lacks tension/urgency. Also, why
does she want to go home when she just ran away? Maybe a snippet on that will
help make her situation seem more dire.
[C9]Great
specs!
[C10]Some
great things here, but I don’t know what Backspace and Sisters in Crime are so
maybe put “writers club” or “writers association” after them so the reader
knows.
Final thoughts: This query feels heavy and the stakes need some urgency. BUT it has an intriguing plot and won an award already. I could easily see #FicFest mentors fighting over this one.
Thank you Tamara for trusting me with your work!
If you'd like to get your query under the #QueryHelper's critical eye, be sure to check out this post and enter the rafflecopter giveaway for you chance to be chosen!
All
#PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post.
You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are
specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your
critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of
critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest
to post in the #CPFest.
Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!
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