#FicFest Fables Series #1: Congrats Team India Finalists + List of Critiquees

Abated breaths and rapid heart beats started the moment #FicFest host Tiffany Hoffman started pouring out finalists and hints a night early for the big writing contest reveal.

And that was just the mentors. 

No one knew it was coming, but by the end of the night over 90% of the finalists knew whether or not they'd been chosen. Without further ado, I'd like to congratulate the newest members of Team India...

Team India Pick 1

Jessica Townes

And her humorous ms 

DOG SHOW DROPOUT

Working closely with Team India Leader E.G. Moore

 Team India Pick 2

Ann Magee

And her non-fiction manuscript 

DAREDEVIL DOLLY

Working closely with Team India Member Shari Schwarz

Team India Pick 3

Rebecca Cattie

And her humorous manuscript 

I AM FAMOUS

Working closely with Team India Member Jae Lowell

Team India Alternate

Kelly Byrnes

And her sweet fiction manuscript 

HOW DO YOU LOVE

Working closely with Team India Leader E.G. Moore, with input from entire team.

CONGRATS!!!!

The #QueryHelper also got in on the #FicFest action and offered up a query rewrite contest for an additional mentorship. It was a hard decision as 12 rewrites flooded my inbox, but my winner was...

Emily Kilmore

CONGRATS!!!!

Here is her winning query rewrite for my pb ms CRASH AND SEEK.

Dear Ms. Moore:

I enjoyed meeting you through the #FicFest Twitter event and appreciate your offer to look over my manuscript, Crash and Seek.After reading about your love of thunderstorms, I hope this story will pique your interest!

In Crash and Seek, siblings Mattie and John enjoy making up games and playing with each other. One day, while deep in a game of hide-and-seek, a low roar rumbles in the distance. Suddenly, lightning flashes through the sky like a spotlight and the wind pushes the trees towards the ground. Looking towards their house, the two notice it standing dark. Wondering if they should run home for safety and supper or continue their game, Mattie and John get wrapped up in the sounds of the storm -- crash, boom, bang – a natural orchestra is near! Similar to Bill Martin Jr’s Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Crash and Seek is a picture book text that plays up sounds, rhyming, and rhythm while also highlighting children's imaginations in creating a new storm-themed game of crash and seek.

I have been writing consistently for the last five years and enjoy reading children’s books with my family. The rhyming nature and focus on onomatopoeia in Crash and Seek will hook any young child. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions -- I look forward to hearing from you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I also promised a list of those entries that would be receiving

 feedback from me over the next week. Here is that list!

Top 7

(Not chosen by other #FicFest Teams)

BRIDGET WRITES A POEM by Rosemary Whatley

GABBY DOUGLAS, MEET BAILEY RAE JOHNSON by Tina Mowrey

TIAGO HOPS ON by Rebecca Carpenter

A WALL OF MURALS By Rupali S. Mulge

FIVE HAMSTERS GO CAMPING by Juli Caveny

BERTHA'S BIG TRIP by Eva Christensen Polites

WHATCHAMASAURUS by Jeremy Todd Sturgell

In addition to these feedback emails, I will also be offering some suggestions to the following manuscripts. These were the ones I felt had a great concept but weren't quite there yet OR that are nearly ready to query:

T-REX TROUBLES

THE ARTIST AND THE CARP

ONE DRIP ONE OCEAN

THE LAST LETSGOBOY

A MEATY TRICK OR TREAT

TICKA TICKA TAP

LOSING ZZZZS AT THE ZOO

KITCHEN MAGIC

ARMSTRONG AND SPUTNIK

ANTON TAKES A WALK

BEDTIME KISS FOR LITTLE SAMARAI

THE WITCH BABYSITTER

WANTED: A FRIEND FOR A QUEEN

WHEN THE PAINT RUNS OUT

DRAC LETS IN THE LIGHT

HUGEDINI

HENRY BUILDS A HENHOUSE

Please, please, please don't assume the worst about your manuscript if it wasn't chosen for #FicFest or I am not offering a critique. I simply don't have the time to give everyone feedback. Traditional publishing is more realistic statistically than any writing contest, and everyone is at their own place on their writing journey. I'd like to invite all the #FicFest #PB peeps to follow my blog or check back over the next few weeks for my #FicFest Fables Series, which will have fun and more serious topics to help you write the best version of your story. Topics will include query writing, hints and tricks to ensure proper rhyming, literary device use in picture books, FicFest tweets revealed and how I made my super tough decision, and more!

Thank you to ALL of you for trusting me with your words!

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 3

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 24th guys, as in a day!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

When Friday strikes and you volunteer to help at your daughter's private school's auction and get roped into clean up crew, you post at nearly midnight.....

Day 3 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: Great length of query (a common theme in CPFest critiques, so bravo all of you!), though its broken down into littler paragraphs. We'll see if that is necessary.

Dear Outstanding Mentors,[EM1] 

As fear rips the world apart[EM2] , Allisane and Damien will sacrifice everything to protect their people. The problem? They’re on opposite sides.[EM3] 

Existing in self-imposed isolation, Ӕled and the Empire of Voluce have maintained a fragile peace that shatters when the Empire begins exterminating Ӕled’s winged horses. As a Wind Rider trained in combat, Princess Allisane Kent is used to confronting conflict head-on, but she knows her people cannot survive open battle. Their inexplicable power to control light vanished generations ago. To let the Empire know could mean a stay of war. Or immediate annihilation.[EM4] 

Captain Damien Ardeo, common born and uncommonly advanced[EM5] , will do anything to prevent war between the men of fire and flight. But with every winged horse trained, the light-wielding Ӕleders threaten his people’s very existence. [EM6] His Emperor spurs the conflict. His nobility preys on their own subjects. Who truly deserves his protection?[EM7] 

When an overzealous division of Imperial Corps attacks Allisane, mistrust ignites into total war. As power collides, one race will rise in power. The other faces extinction.[EM8] 

ASCEND is an adult high fantasy with crossover potential complete at 113,000 words with a level of violence and multiple POV style similar to Sanderson’s Mistborn trilogy and a depth of world resembling Maas’s Throne of Glass.  
[EM9] 

Graduating this May with a degree in English, I am a recipient of multiple academic awards for writing but am not yet published.  Thank you very much for your time.[EM10] 

Sincerely,

Rachel C.

---

 [EM1]Wonderful opening, J

 [EM2]This feels a little vague. Can you be a tad more specific to add to your hook?

 [EM3]I think this whole paragraph could work as a hook if it was written a tad differently with more specifics.

 [EM4]I had to read this several times to understand it, I think because of all the pronouns. Then you throw in Imperial Corps below and I don’t know whose side their on? Maybe bring up the fire vs. flight races sooner will help us sort out the problems sooner? Make it clearer which side each of your MCs are one and what they stand to lose.

 [EM5]What does advanced mean? Intelligent? Programmed? Good fire power?

 [EM6]This almost seems like the eleders train the horses? Is that right?

 [EM7]This almost seems like he’s uncertain of how right his side of the conflict is. If that’s the case, make it more clear and use it to add tension to your query. What is he questioning and does he consider switching sides? What holds him back? This doesn't all have to be included in the query, but these questions can help you with the stakes for this character.

 [EM8]While I understand that the stakes are which side of war will win, I’m not invested or rooting for either one. Also, no where in this query do we know if Allisane and Damien meet or end up working together, or if there is a connection there. If you use the connection in your opening hook, I’d almost want to see it in the stakes wrap up too. Bring it full circle.

 [EM9]Great comps here.

 [EM10]Great self info!

Final thoughts: This query is a little confusing because there is a lot going on and we aren't grounded in the world and don't completely understand the sides. Also, I want to know if there is more of a connection between the MCs and how that plays out. Don't despair with all my suggestions. Use what works for you and your novel.

Thank you Rachel for trusting me with your work!

The rafflecopter picks have already been chosen, but I may or may not have a little surprise coming on tomorrow. So keep coming back to these critiques and connect with me on twitter for the announcement.

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique (Belated) Day 2

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 25th guys, its sooooo soon!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

Technical difficulties means this one is running a tad late, but here is....

Day 2 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: Great length of query and simple, straight forward salutation, if a little funny.

Dear Wise Mentors:

As an unregistered dream spy, [C1] Delania Mather knows the danger in marrying someone she can’t trust. [C2] Every night, she drinks tinctures to send her into a deep sleep that will suppress her abilities. Without the herbs, the dreams of her family, friends and neighbors would invade her mind. She’d see their fears and desires, and they just might recognize her presence there, which would be dangerous for someone who hasn’t registered her psychic ability. [C3] Yet, medicating herself unconscious every night would make her husband suspicious – if she agreed to marry anyone.

Unsure how to wiggle free from an impending proposal and protect her family from the punishment of being unregistered[C4] , Delania boards a ship destined for the Fog, an all-encompassing entity that induces madness when sailors pass through it. She survives the madness desperate to return home[C5] , but the ship is attacked by an enemy fleet from a war-mongering nation. She expects to be held captive, but the King welcomes[C6]  her into the political intrigue of his court, inviting her to spy on his people’s dreams for his own gain. [C7] Agreeing could mean accepting the exploitation she spent her whole life hiding from, but appeasing the King could also be her ticket home.[C8] 

DREAM SPY is an 88,000-word YA fantasy that can best be described as REIGN with magical abilities to spice up the rivalry and romance. The novel won the 2013 PennWriters Novel Beginnings Contest and will appeal to fans of Maria V. Snyder and Melissa Marr.[C9] 

As for me, I hold a PhD in English from Indiana University of Pennsylvania and a Master of Letters in Creative Writing from the University of St. Andrews. I teach and conduct scholarly research on composition, literature, and creative writing, and I’m a member of Backspace, Sisters in Crime, and PennWriters.[C10] 

Thank you for taking the time to consider my request.

Sincerely,

Tamara G.

---

 [C1]This is a great hook! It makes the read wonder what a dream spy is, why she isn’t registered, and why the society makes dream spies register in the first place.

 [C2]Okay this line makes me immediately think adult fiction, so you might want to add Dalania’s age in this sentence so it settles firmly in the YA category in the mentor/agent/editors mind.

 [C3]This sentence feels a little long. Also, you’ve yet to te us why she’s chosen not to register.

 [C4]So her family can get punished too?

 [C5]This is confusing because she just boarded the ship to get away and know she survives to come back home? Why the change of heart? It may be easier to just say that she gets attached by the enemy fleet while aboard.

 [C6]You do a great job of not giving us too many characters in this query, but I sort of want to know the king’s name.

 [C7]Again, sort of a long sentence with a lot going on.

 [C8]I think the stakes are great, but this sentence lacks tension/urgency. Also, why does she want to go home when she just ran away? Maybe a snippet on that will help make her situation seem more dire.

 [C9]Great specs!

 [C10]Some great things here, but I don’t know what Backspace and Sisters in Crime are so maybe put “writers club” or “writers association” after them so the reader knows.

Final thoughts: This query feels heavy and the stakes need some urgency. BUT it has an intriguing plot and won an award already. I could easily see #FicFest mentors fighting over this one.

Thank you Tamara for trusting me with your work!

If you'd like to get your query under the #QueryHelper's critical eye, be sure to check out this post and enter the rafflecopter giveaway for you chance to be chosen! 

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!