#FicFest Fables Series #1: Congrats Team India Finalists + List of Critiquees

Abated breaths and rapid heart beats started the moment #FicFest host Tiffany Hoffman started pouring out finalists and hints a night early for the big writing contest reveal.

And that was just the mentors. 

No one knew it was coming, but by the end of the night over 90% of the finalists knew whether or not they'd been chosen. Without further ado, I'd like to congratulate the newest members of Team India...

Team India Pick 1

Jessica Townes

And her humorous ms 

DOG SHOW DROPOUT

Working closely with Team India Leader E.G. Moore

 Team India Pick 2

Ann Magee

And her non-fiction manuscript 

DAREDEVIL DOLLY

Working closely with Team India Member Shari Schwarz

Team India Pick 3

Rebecca Cattie

And her humorous manuscript 

I AM FAMOUS

Working closely with Team India Member Jae Lowell

Team India Alternate

Kelly Byrnes

And her sweet fiction manuscript 

HOW DO YOU LOVE

Working closely with Team India Leader E.G. Moore, with input from entire team.

CONGRATS!!!!

The #QueryHelper also got in on the #FicFest action and offered up a query rewrite contest for an additional mentorship. It was a hard decision as 12 rewrites flooded my inbox, but my winner was...

Emily Kilmore

CONGRATS!!!!

Here is her winning query rewrite for my pb ms CRASH AND SEEK.

Dear Ms. Moore:

I enjoyed meeting you through the #FicFest Twitter event and appreciate your offer to look over my manuscript, Crash and Seek.After reading about your love of thunderstorms, I hope this story will pique your interest!

In Crash and Seek, siblings Mattie and John enjoy making up games and playing with each other. One day, while deep in a game of hide-and-seek, a low roar rumbles in the distance. Suddenly, lightning flashes through the sky like a spotlight and the wind pushes the trees towards the ground. Looking towards their house, the two notice it standing dark. Wondering if they should run home for safety and supper or continue their game, Mattie and John get wrapped up in the sounds of the storm -- crash, boom, bang – a natural orchestra is near! Similar to Bill Martin Jr’s Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Crash and Seek is a picture book text that plays up sounds, rhyming, and rhythm while also highlighting children's imaginations in creating a new storm-themed game of crash and seek.

I have been writing consistently for the last five years and enjoy reading children’s books with my family. The rhyming nature and focus on onomatopoeia in Crash and Seek will hook any young child. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any questions -- I look forward to hearing from you.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

I also promised a list of those entries that would be receiving

 feedback from me over the next week. Here is that list!

Top 7

(Not chosen by other #FicFest Teams)

BRIDGET WRITES A POEM by Rosemary Whatley

GABBY DOUGLAS, MEET BAILEY RAE JOHNSON by Tina Mowrey

TIAGO HOPS ON by Rebecca Carpenter

A WALL OF MURALS By Rupali S. Mulge

FIVE HAMSTERS GO CAMPING by Juli Caveny

BERTHA'S BIG TRIP by Eva Christensen Polites

WHATCHAMASAURUS by Jeremy Todd Sturgell

In addition to these feedback emails, I will also be offering some suggestions to the following manuscripts. These were the ones I felt had a great concept but weren't quite there yet OR that are nearly ready to query:

T-REX TROUBLES

THE ARTIST AND THE CARP

ONE DRIP ONE OCEAN

THE LAST LETSGOBOY

A MEATY TRICK OR TREAT

TICKA TICKA TAP

LOSING ZZZZS AT THE ZOO

KITCHEN MAGIC

ARMSTRONG AND SPUTNIK

ANTON TAKES A WALK

BEDTIME KISS FOR LITTLE SAMARAI

THE WITCH BABYSITTER

WANTED: A FRIEND FOR A QUEEN

WHEN THE PAINT RUNS OUT

DRAC LETS IN THE LIGHT

HUGEDINI

HENRY BUILDS A HENHOUSE

Please, please, please don't assume the worst about your manuscript if it wasn't chosen for #FicFest or I am not offering a critique. I simply don't have the time to give everyone feedback. Traditional publishing is more realistic statistically than any writing contest, and everyone is at their own place on their writing journey. I'd like to invite all the #FicFest #PB peeps to follow my blog or check back over the next few weeks for my #FicFest Fables Series, which will have fun and more serious topics to help you write the best version of your story. Topics will include query writing, hints and tricks to ensure proper rhyming, literary device use in picture books, FicFest tweets revealed and how I made my super tough decision, and more!

Thank you to ALL of you for trusting me with your words!

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 5 + Special Annoucement

It's submission day! #FicFest is here! 

For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

Happy #FicFest Day!

Leave it to me to be late to my own giveaway.

Day 5 Critique - Can you Do it Please?

Instead of me offering a query critique, I'm asking you to do one in the hopes of getting your own manuscript mentorship.

Rewrite my PB query (below) and email it to me with the subject line CPFEST CRASH AND SEEK QUERY CRITIQUE CONTEST. I'll choose the best three in order and await mentor results from #Ficfest on MAY 4th. If my choices aren't chosen as PB finalists, I will offer one of them and their submitted manuscript a mentorship as though they were another alternate! This will include 8 weeks of help with pitches, queries, and manuscript to prepare for traditional submissions. I will also include a list of agents that take PB submissions!

HURRY! I'm only taking submissions for this special giveaway through the #FicFest Submission window!

Dear best agent in the world:

Mattie and John are playing hide and seek but the storm outside is loud and scary. The lights go out and they don’t know if they should keep playing or stop and ask mom for dinner. There are lots of fun hiding places, and the storm is making lots of fun sounds like crashes, booms, and bangs. Maybe they can make similar sounds in their game?

Crash and seek is a picture book submission with about 800 words in the manuscript. It is similar to Chicka Chicka boom boom, and will be as famous as Harry Potter! I don’t have illistrations but I’m sure you could help me find someone to create my vision before we send it to publishers.

I am a writer and have been for about five years. My family says this is a perfect and fun book that any child would love to read. If you have any questions, please feel free to calll me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. I just know you’ll love it since I read on your personal website that you love thunder storms.

Sincerely,

Emily M.

Also, CPSeek is still happening! All #CPFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on last Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 4 (#1)

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 24th guys, as in a day from now!) I'm behind this week, so I'll actually post two today! Be sure to check out the second one for a special #FicFest announcement! For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

Happy #FicFest Eve!

Day 4 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: This one has a good length, if a bit long but her self paragraph is a tad longer then some. That's a good thing!

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Alice Burton is looking forward to college, but she doesn’t know how she is going to pay for it. [EM1] Getting passed over for the National Developmental Lacrosse Team means less exposure to coaches and scholarships, but Alice can handle that[EM2] . Things escalate when she discovers her father, a local celebrity, has gambled away her senior year tuition. If she can’t find a way to pay it she will be forced to transfer to the local public school, which doesn’t have lacrosse, and a college scholarship will truly be out of reach.

Alice focuses on figuring out her future, but thanks to her recent weight loss, everyone else is focused on her figure. When hot, twenty-something Chris Thompson checks her out she feels powerful, but when her dad’s friend, thirty-something, pro-athlete Karl Bean leers [EM3] at her, Alice realizes her new body comes with considerable risks.[EM4]  While she’s busy trying to convince Chris Thompson that she’s not too young for him, Karl Bean steps in to pay her tuition. [EM5] Chris wants her to expose Karl but Alice can’t afford to lose his monetary support. Alienated from her friends and family, she must find a way to protect her body, her tuition money, her future and her heart.[EM6] 

SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYTHING, a coming-of-age YA novel, complete at 92,000 words, deals with body image, celebrity culture and a complicated romance that isn’t what it seems. Reminiscent of Blake Nelson’s GIRL, SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYTHING explores the complexities that arise when the adult male gaze is directed at a girl for the first time.

This is my first novel. I have a degree in English from George Mason University and I majored in Fiction Writing at the Pennsylvania Governor's School for the Arts. When I’m not writing, I work in the admission office of a private school where I talk to high school students every day about books they love and issues that are important to them.[EM7] 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Jamie Beth C.

---

 [EM1]Great hook, but I sort of want to know something special about Alice.

 [EM2]This downplays the tension of being passed over for the NDLT. Maybe remove this and combine with the next one? Something like, “Getting passed over for the National Developmental Lacrosse Team is bad enough, but then she discovers that her local-celeb dad has gambled away the tuition for her private school senior year.”

 [EM3]This seems threatening. Maybe try a different word that sounds more racy.

 [EM4]This feel formal for a high school mind set. Maybe write it differently?

 [EM5]There’s a disconnect in the two parts of this sentence. I expected Karl Bean to make a move before offering the tuition cost, or a sentence about how he expects another form of loan repayment. Give us more of the MCs feelings within the vocab you use in the query, a little spunk or something.

 [EM6]I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this stakes sentence.

 [EM7]The last two paragraphs are great!

Final thoughts: This query has a few confusing spots and needs a bit more tension, but the well-written stakes sentence almost cancels that. With a bit of rewriting, this query is ready for the big time.

Thank you Jamie for trusting me with your work!

The rafflecopter picks have already been chosen, but I may or may not have a little surprise coming later on today. So keep coming back to critique #2 today and connect with me on twitter for the announcement!

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 3

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 24th guys, as in a day!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

When Friday strikes and you volunteer to help at your daughter's private school's auction and get roped into clean up crew, you post at nearly midnight.....

Day 3 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: Great length of query (a common theme in CPFest critiques, so bravo all of you!), though its broken down into littler paragraphs. We'll see if that is necessary.

Dear Outstanding Mentors,[EM1] 

As fear rips the world apart[EM2] , Allisane and Damien will sacrifice everything to protect their people. The problem? They’re on opposite sides.[EM3] 

Existing in self-imposed isolation, Ӕled and the Empire of Voluce have maintained a fragile peace that shatters when the Empire begins exterminating Ӕled’s winged horses. As a Wind Rider trained in combat, Princess Allisane Kent is used to confronting conflict head-on, but she knows her people cannot survive open battle. Their inexplicable power to control light vanished generations ago. To let the Empire know could mean a stay of war. Or immediate annihilation.[EM4] 

Captain Damien Ardeo, common born and uncommonly advanced[EM5] , will do anything to prevent war between the men of fire and flight. But with every winged horse trained, the light-wielding Ӕleders threaten his people’s very existence. [EM6] His Emperor spurs the conflict. His nobility preys on their own subjects. Who truly deserves his protection?[EM7] 

When an overzealous division of Imperial Corps attacks Allisane, mistrust ignites into total war. As power collides, one race will rise in power. The other faces extinction.[EM8] 

ASCEND is an adult high fantasy with crossover potential complete at 113,000 words with a level of violence and multiple POV style similar to Sanderson’s Mistborn trilogy and a depth of world resembling Maas’s Throne of Glass.  
[EM9] 

Graduating this May with a degree in English, I am a recipient of multiple academic awards for writing but am not yet published.  Thank you very much for your time.[EM10] 

Sincerely,

Rachel C.

---

 [EM1]Wonderful opening, J

 [EM2]This feels a little vague. Can you be a tad more specific to add to your hook?

 [EM3]I think this whole paragraph could work as a hook if it was written a tad differently with more specifics.

 [EM4]I had to read this several times to understand it, I think because of all the pronouns. Then you throw in Imperial Corps below and I don’t know whose side their on? Maybe bring up the fire vs. flight races sooner will help us sort out the problems sooner? Make it clearer which side each of your MCs are one and what they stand to lose.

 [EM5]What does advanced mean? Intelligent? Programmed? Good fire power?

 [EM6]This almost seems like the eleders train the horses? Is that right?

 [EM7]This almost seems like he’s uncertain of how right his side of the conflict is. If that’s the case, make it more clear and use it to add tension to your query. What is he questioning and does he consider switching sides? What holds him back? This doesn't all have to be included in the query, but these questions can help you with the stakes for this character.

 [EM8]While I understand that the stakes are which side of war will win, I’m not invested or rooting for either one. Also, no where in this query do we know if Allisane and Damien meet or end up working together, or if there is a connection there. If you use the connection in your opening hook, I’d almost want to see it in the stakes wrap up too. Bring it full circle.

 [EM9]Great comps here.

 [EM10]Great self info!

Final thoughts: This query is a little confusing because there is a lot going on and we aren't grounded in the world and don't completely understand the sides. Also, I want to know if there is more of a connection between the MCs and how that plays out. Don't despair with all my suggestions. Use what works for you and your novel.

Thank you Rachel for trusting me with your work!

The rafflecopter picks have already been chosen, but I may or may not have a little surprise coming on tomorrow. So keep coming back to these critiques and connect with me on twitter for the announcement.

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!