#CPfest 2016 Query Critique (Belated) Day 2

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 25th guys, its sooooo soon!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

Technical difficulties means this one is running a tad late, but here is....

Day 2 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: Great length of query and simple, straight forward salutation, if a little funny.

Dear Wise Mentors:

As an unregistered dream spy, [C1] Delania Mather knows the danger in marrying someone she can’t trust. [C2] Every night, she drinks tinctures to send her into a deep sleep that will suppress her abilities. Without the herbs, the dreams of her family, friends and neighbors would invade her mind. She’d see their fears and desires, and they just might recognize her presence there, which would be dangerous for someone who hasn’t registered her psychic ability. [C3] Yet, medicating herself unconscious every night would make her husband suspicious – if she agreed to marry anyone.

Unsure how to wiggle free from an impending proposal and protect her family from the punishment of being unregistered[C4] , Delania boards a ship destined for the Fog, an all-encompassing entity that induces madness when sailors pass through it. She survives the madness desperate to return home[C5] , but the ship is attacked by an enemy fleet from a war-mongering nation. She expects to be held captive, but the King welcomes[C6]  her into the political intrigue of his court, inviting her to spy on his people’s dreams for his own gain. [C7] Agreeing could mean accepting the exploitation she spent her whole life hiding from, but appeasing the King could also be her ticket home.[C8] 

DREAM SPY is an 88,000-word YA fantasy that can best be described as REIGN with magical abilities to spice up the rivalry and romance. The novel won the 2013 PennWriters Novel Beginnings Contest and will appeal to fans of Maria V. Snyder and Melissa Marr.[C9] 

As for me, I hold a PhD in English from Indiana University of Pennsylvania and a Master of Letters in Creative Writing from the University of St. Andrews. I teach and conduct scholarly research on composition, literature, and creative writing, and I’m a member of Backspace, Sisters in Crime, and PennWriters.[C10] 

Thank you for taking the time to consider my request.

Sincerely,

Tamara G.

---

 [C1]This is a great hook! It makes the read wonder what a dream spy is, why she isn’t registered, and why the society makes dream spies register in the first place.

 [C2]Okay this line makes me immediately think adult fiction, so you might want to add Dalania’s age in this sentence so it settles firmly in the YA category in the mentor/agent/editors mind.

 [C3]This sentence feels a little long. Also, you’ve yet to te us why she’s chosen not to register.

 [C4]So her family can get punished too?

 [C5]This is confusing because she just boarded the ship to get away and know she survives to come back home? Why the change of heart? It may be easier to just say that she gets attached by the enemy fleet while aboard.

 [C6]You do a great job of not giving us too many characters in this query, but I sort of want to know the king’s name.

 [C7]Again, sort of a long sentence with a lot going on.

 [C8]I think the stakes are great, but this sentence lacks tension/urgency. Also, why does she want to go home when she just ran away? Maybe a snippet on that will help make her situation seem more dire.

 [C9]Great specs!

 [C10]Some great things here, but I don’t know what Backspace and Sisters in Crime are so maybe put “writers club” or “writers association” after them so the reader knows.

Final thoughts: This query feels heavy and the stakes need some urgency. BUT it has an intriguing plot and won an award already. I could easily see #FicFest mentors fighting over this one.

Thank you Tamara for trusting me with your work!

If you'd like to get your query under the #QueryHelper's critical eye, be sure to check out this post and enter the rafflecopter giveaway for you chance to be chosen! 

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!

#CPfest 2016 Query Critique Day 1

Are you getting excited about #FicFest? I know I am! In honor of this first annual manuscript contest, a few of the mentors (incluyendome a mi) are giving away a query critique each day leading up to submission day (that's April 25th guys, its sooooo soon!) For more details, check out my posts here and here, and the hostess with the mostest Tiffany Hofman's post here.

Now, Let's get this party started!

Day 1 #QueryHelper Critique

First thoughts: This query is right on target for length and formatting. Bravo!

Dear Agent:

The Persian Empire, 400 B.C.E.— A love poem will determine the fate of the world.[EM1] 

When sixteen-year-old Peni’s talent for detection almost gets her stoned as a witch, she escapes into the employ of a jinni—a Persian fire spirit. Peni’s task is to find King Solomon’s ring, an ancient artifact that safeguards the world from the jinni’s own vengeful uncle, Akhgar. If Akhgar finds the ring first, he will destroy it and turn the world to into his personal playground of [EM2] ash.

Two obstacles stand in Peni's way. First: Solomon's embarrassingly erotic poetry, which hides riddles leading to the ring's location. Second: the empire itself, full of villains ready to devour a friendless, penniless [EM3] girl.

Faking leprosy—a disease guaranteed to terrify even hardened bandits—Peni tricks a young, crippled veteran into acting as her escort. Danesh's bitterness over his own disability makes him sympathetic to Peni's false disease, and he offers her friendship that stands in stark contrast to the superstitious fear she’s endured all her life.

The closer they draw to the ring, the tighter Peni clings to her disguise, afraid Danesh will discover [EM4] the truth and abandon her. But when her cleverness leads them straight into Akhgar’s hands, Peni discovers that decoding Solomon's poem may mean finding the courage to unlock the riddle of her own heart, before the world goes up in flames.[EM5] 

SULEIMAN’S RING is a 90,000 word YA historical fantasy set in the ancient Persian Empire. Inspired by Islamic, Jewish, and Ethiopian stories about King Solomon, SULEIMAN’S RING is a stand-alone adventure with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Rachel Hartman’s Seraphina and Jessica Khoury's The Forbidden Wish.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

H. Elliott

---

 [EM1]This is a great logline, but don’t use it in your query. Just start with your main character!

 [EM2]While I love the alliteration here, it is a mouthful and makes the sentence long.

 [EM3]Nice pun there!

 [EM4]This is repeated a close together. Choose a different verb.

 [EM5]This is a poignant stakes sentence that will peak agent/editor interest.

Final thoughts: Uh, when can I read this? Does the manuscript need edited because I'd gladly do it!

Thank you H. Elliot for trusting me with your work!

If you'd like to get your query under the #QueryHelper's critical eye, be sure to check out this post and enter the rafflecopter giveaway for you chance to be chosen! 

All #PCFest posts for PB writers will be in the comments on Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the #CPFest. 

Come on back tomorrow for our next #CPFest critique!

#CPFest Meet and Greet, Plus Query Critiques in anticipation of #FicFest!

I'm getting more and more excited for the approach of the first annual #FicFest, a mentor contest for authors of completed manuscripts. Writing contests of this kind have a special place in my soul, and I firmly believe that it is this community of writers and those that create these contests that make publishing dreams a reality. (I'm a product of a wonderful contest by host Brenda Drake and a fabulous mentor Michelle Hauck, read about that here.)

It's my turn to give back, this time as a leader for a picture book team! If you're thinking of entering your picture book manuscript in FicFest, check out my team wishlist here and submission guidelines here.

I'm also going to be a part of the pre-FicFest fun in the interview happening this Sunday, April 17th at 7pm -10pm EST. FicFest hostess extraordinaire Tiffany Hoffman will be throwing (literally through the screen!!! haha) questions up on twitter with the hashtag for us to respond to, and prospective entrants will also be able to ask the mentors questions to see who will be the best fit for their work. 

Start working on those questions now. I want some really fun ones mixed in there!

The Meet & Greet will open on Monday, April 18th. The day following FicFest's Q&A.

This blog is for Picture Book and Middle Grade Writers only.

If you write Young Adult, your Meet & Greet is happening on Amanda's blog.

If you write Adult or New Adult, your Meet & Greet is happening on Judi's blog.

How this works

All posts for YA writers will be in the comments of Monday's post. You are welcome to comment however you like, though if you are specifically searching for a CP, you should make sure to include your critiquing style, maybe some favorite authors of yours, what sort of critique you are looking for, etc. You don't have to be entering Ficfest to post in the CPFest.

Free Query Critiques by FicFest Mentors

In celebration of #FicFest's fast approach and #CPFest, Amanda, Judi, and I have decided to add some more fun to the mix. We're each giving away 5 query critiques, one for each day of next week! To get your name in the hat, click the rafflecopter link at the bottom of this post, and I'll be randomly selecting five. With the winners permission, I'd also like to have the queries I critique up on my blog to help those prepping for Ficfest to use as examples to fine tune their entries!

Best of luck and see you on Sunday for the #FicFest Q & A!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Release day Interview with Shari Schwarz for TREASURE AT LURE LAKE

It's with a mega grin and confetti that I announce that my dear fried Shari L. Schwarz is releasing her debut middle grade labor of love, TREASURE AT LURE LAKE. This story has been through a ton of revisions and late night talk-it-out sessions, plus all the other craziness that debuts normally do. Shari is an incredible mom and critique partner, but even more so, a friend. She offered to do an interview, and I thought what better way to let all of my readers really get to know her? So once you've swooned over the cover, fallen in love with the plot teaser, and read a bit about Shari, we get to really get to know her below. Without further adieu....

It's it shiny and beautiful???

Twelve-year-old Bryce’s best-laid plans for a backpacking trip with his grandpa seem about to fall through all because his big brother, Jack, is threatening to boycott the trip. But when Bryce stumbles upon a secret treasure map in his grandpa's barn loft, he doesn't mean to steal it or unearth a painful family secret that will explain the root of the brothers’ conflict. Bryce is determined to find the treasure even if it means lying to his grandpa.

As Bryce, Jack, and Grandpa hike to a remote cabin in the Rocky Mountains, sibling rivalry clouds the brothers' judgment, and all Bryce's plans for an epic adventure go downriver. The boys must work together to survive the dangers of the wilderness, and each other, or the treasure and their family's secret may never see the light of day.

Amazon / Goodreads

Shari Schwarz lives in Colorado with her husband and their four boys. TREASURE AT LURE LAKE is her debut middle grade adventure which reflects her love for a good adventure story and spending time hiking and camping in the Northern Colorado Rockies.

Blog / Facebook / Twitter

EM: How many versions of TREASURE's manuscript did you go through?

SS: It went through five major versions of the story which included POV changes, plot changes, and even character changes. I always had the grandfather in the story, but in the first version, he was a very minor, background character. In the final version, he's the one who goes on the backpacking trip with the boys.

EM: What was the hardest part of writing TREASURE?

SS: The hardest part was learning what advice to use on my writing. I had well over 30 critique partners or beta readers look at parts of or the whole manuscript. At first, I tried to take almost every piece of advice. It was like trying to constantly do a patch job on my manuscript. I learned the hard way that, although I became good at receiving critiques, the process wasn't meant for pleasing every single person. I had to learn to pick and choose the advice that I knew would work with the story I was trying to tell.

EM: How about the easiest part of writing it?

Ha! The easiest was planning and writing the first draft! It only took two months and pretty much just came out as a whole story. If I had been told then that it would be the easiest part, I would have laughed! I wrote a book! At the time it didn't seem so easy.

EM: What personal experiences, if any, influenced this story?

SS: I actually made a list of these recently and there are at least twenty different people in my life that I owe a nod of thanks to (or much more than that) for the experiences that in some way shaped TREASURE AT LURE LAKE. One experience was camping with my husband in the mountains one June and enduring a surprise ice storm that night. Another experience that went into the book was my love for rock-climbing or bouldering along rivers when I was younger and the terror I have felt when one time I was sure I was going to fall off the rock face to my death.

EM: Yeah, that all seems like too much real-life adventure for me. Did you do any special research to write TREASURE?

SS: Yes! I researched a lot of near-death or out-of-body experiences...people who have died and then come back to life with stories of life on the other side, so to speak. I also researched a lot of survival techniques like starting fires, setting traps, skinning and cooking a marmot...you know, normal stuff like that. I also had to research the habits of bears, elk and mountain lions, although the mountain lion scene didn't make it into the book.

EM: I bet you were getting camping gear ads on your computer side bars. lol. Do you feel like the multi-age POV will mean that your readers can be of both age groups? Why or why not?

SS: This is a great question. I really struggled with the ages of the boys. Originally I had them as 16 and 14 years old because they were going on the hike alone. But I really wanted to write a book geared towards middle schoolers, not high schoolers, so I toyed with lowering their age and sending their grandpa along with them. Right now, two of my own boys are reading it and love it and they are ages 11 and 14, the exact age range that I was shooting for, so I feel like I got that right.

EM: At least you had a firm grip on what you wanted your readership to be in terms of age. That can be hard sometimes. In what ways do you think this story will most resonate with middle grade boys?

SS: From the feedback I've gotten from the few middle school boys who have read it/are reading it, they say that it's exciting and suspenseful. My 14yo son said that it's one of the best survival books he's ever read. I also hope that there might be something that boys with siblings can take away from the complicated relationship between Jack and Bryce, the brothers in the story. Despite the deep issues they have to work through, they are able to come out knowing that their bond as brothers is stronger than just about anything...even death.

EM: What else are you working on now that TREASURE is out in the world?

SS: I'm working on several picture books and a chapter book. I also have a YA historical fiction set in WWI that is written but needs a lot of revising time. I can't wait to get back to that soon!

EM: I can't wait to help you look over the WWI book. Some people claim this book is religious, but you are surprised by this reaction and how do you respond to it?

SS: I asked my husband what he thought about this the other day when he finished reading TREASURE AT LURE LAKE. He said he was surprised at how non-religious it was. It was not my intention to write a religious book...there certainly is no overt religion in it. There is, however, the near-death-experience which points to an afterlife. There is also a point at which one of the brothers becomes so desperate that he tries praying. More than anything, my intention was to address themes of purpose, worth and hope. Themes that children in their early teens really start to question and wonder about. I hope that these are the takeaways, not any one religion.

EM: Love this answer. When I read through the draft, I was surprised how un-religious those parts felt. They felt very real to me, not preachy at all. So I agree with your husband. So tell us. Are you a fly-by-the-tap-of-your-fingers pantser or twelve-piles-of-paperwork plotter?

SS: I am a plotter, for sure. I love the process and all of the different kinds of outlines and worksheets that can help you along the way. I'm kind of a geek that way! One of my favorite ways to plot is to use the Plot Whisperers Workbook by Martha Alderson. However, I didn't know about that when I wrote TREASURE AT LURE LAKE as I was quite the newbie to writing at the time.

EM: Do you prefer the writing or editing stage more?

SS: This is a hard one! I love editing, and I'm constantly learning more about it. But the writing process probably edges out for first place for me. I love writing and always have. I love the freedom of writing a first draft. I don't edit much as I go. Even though I have things plotted out in advance, I still allow room for twists and turns that I didn't see coming. This is so exciting to me...just like reading a book with plot twists or a movie where you're on the edge of the seat as the scenes unfold. As the words come out, sometimes I am shocked or moved. It's an amazing process! Writing is how I express myself.

EM: What is your favorite drink if any while writing and editing?

SS: An almond milk latte or spicy chai...every time...all the time! :) I love writing at coffee shops while my son is in preschool or my big boys are at youth group.

EM: Do you have any other writing rituals? (music, quiet, place, space, etc...)

SS: It makes me sad, but I cannot write with music on. I just can't concentrate unless it's background music. But I can write in the middle of anything. I write in the kitchen, in the carpool line, at coffee shops. However, I can't edit that way. When I'm editing, I need a pretty quite and concentrated amount of time. That's the hard work of writing a book!

EM: I can think of a few places we've hung out that you probably wrote chapters at. Now the question some people are dying to know. Which house of Hogwarts?

SS: Seriously? Are you going to ask me this question? (Shhh...don't tell anyone. I have started Harry Potter three times and have't gotten past the second chapter. Ugh! I promise I will someday!)

EM: Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. haha. If I had to guess I'd say you were Hufflepuff. Bet that will make you get reading. :) What's your favorite outdoor activity?

SS: I love hiking! We live close to the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, and I can walk from my front door and be hiking in them in about seven minutes. I also love mountain biking and rock climbing but my old body is not letting me do those activities these days. I'm working on getting back in shape to take my boys mountain biking this summer.

EM: Now for the most important question (or at least I think). What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

SS: Anything with chocolate and peanut butter or caramel. Oh, and Ben and Jerry's, 'Everything But The.'

EM: Girl after my own heart. Lastly, if you could go anywhere in the world for free, where would it be?

SS: One place?! Hmm...In my mind, I keep coming back to Italy, somewhere along the coast. I'd love to go on a photography tour where you get to experience the culture and learn photography. Is there something like that? Now you've got me thinking!

EM: I'm cool like that. I'd go to Italy with you. We can hunker down in coffee shops and write for an hour each morning and then spend the rest of the day exploring. We gotta make that happen!

Thank you so much for stopping by Shari and congrats on the release of TREASURE AT LURE LAKE!

☆¸.•*¨*★☆ 300 Like & 1 Year Blogiversary Blog HOP ☆★*¨*•.¸☆

☆¸.•*¨*★☆ 300 Like & 1 Year Blogiversary Blog HOP ☆★*¨*•.¸☆

After several technical glitches, my stop on the blog hop is functioning. I'm helping celebrating Amy's Review Obsession's 1 year Blogiversary, which means more prizes to be won - Make sure you hop to the other pages!

#Giveaway #Blogiversary #HOP #ARObsession #AmysReviewObsession

•.☆.• #Giveaway for this page •.☆.•

➜  One (1) Query Helper Critique

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Giveaways end April 3, 2016 at 8:30AM MST, and will be drawn at random.org.